lovely5879

8m in jamas playin dressup in New Jamys
Hello everybody!!
Sorry I haven't posted in a while and this is going to be novel so without further ado.

Sebastian is 8 months old He weighs 23 pounds and is 29 inches long.
He is trying to eat Gerber 3rd foods, but is a little weirded out by the chunks. He is rolling over all the time and is in the rocking back in forth stage of I want to crawl, and just not sure how to do it. He has had a fever for 4 days, we went to he ER on Saturday night and turns out he is teething, but he is getting his back molars first, poor baby :) His favorite food is still applesauce. He likes to steal my paper and "play" aka bang on my laptop.. he wants to work like mommy.. (sad I know ).. so thats the update on little man.

I finally went to the doctor and it turns out I am having Post partum depression, which you all told me, and I didnt treat till I couldnt help but break down at the site of anything. I feel guilty for going to school and working all day I feel like i am having separation anxiety. But I know it is for his better, and his comfortablilty and its only for a couple more months. I am losing my job in January for sure, and I will have nothing but time to spend with him. It is much needed!!

Amy has deceided she is not ready for another baby.  Today was the very last day to cancel my prescription order, i was due to take my meds tuesday and a sono on monday.  She is worried because i am losing my job that she is worried about the finances plus she is still not traveling like she wants too.  So I am no longer planning for baby no. 2 as of right now..  :( my sperm is being saved for a year so i have till at least next july to find a job that has that as coverage, and hopefully a understnding boss that will allow me time off for all the appointments.  I called medco and canceled my order.  I am very disappointed but aware this has to be a mutual decision.

Yesterday, while I was at work Sebastian finally rolled over, and now he is a rolling machine!! He is rolling all across the florr, it was like.. "MoM, I've got this now....im off!!"  Im loveing it, Im a litle upset I missed the first time but it was ok cause when I got home he was rollin everywhere.  Last night was a rough night though I think all that rolling wore him out, he was so tired he could sleep he was fussing and crying in his sleep all night..He doesnt do that very ofter but when he does it breaks my heart. Nothing I can do to make it better...so I just hold him and cry too. :) I cant help it, its just so emotional.. and I want another one... sometimes I wonder if Im crazy.. but I guess the fun, laughy times way outweighs the sad, crying times...

All of my blood work came back fine, so everything is ago. I quit caffiene 5 days ago and I feel like I have no energy and have had a 5 day headache.. AHHH!!  I dont know why I even started up again. I went throught this the last time too.  I need to get my butt back in the gym it may help me with my lack of energy..I have tried to start eating healthy the last 2 days but I am seeming to fail.. I weighed myself yestrday and I cannot get pregnant being this heavy I have gained more weight not being pregnant... than when I was with sebastian...So I am printing up a calendar, an hourly calendar so I can keep up with all my school work and medicine and the gym and everything...i never really relaized how busy i keep myself.. Ill slow down one day.... Awaiting next Mondat for my sonogram and the lupron starts next week.

 Sebastian trying on hats, that wont fit him in the Winter.
 Exactly 6 months and look how big he is!!

Sebastian held his bottle for the first time and he has it down. Im so happy Amy got the camera so I have pictures of the first time, make me so happy. I am downloading some pictures today so I will post some on here today. Also he took the spoon from my hand and stuck it in his mount and he grabbd his foot and stuck that in his mouth too. Plus I really think he's teethig cause he is drooling everywhere.. I love being a mommy this is so fun... spit everywhere...lol :)  He still hasnt rolled over but man does he have the food thing down.. my little man loves to eat!!

Yesterday I had my Saline Hystogram, it was painful and I had cramps for about 5 hours afterward.. YUK! but it came back normal. So I have no cysts or polyps. Yea me! Cheryl is the best, she is the nurse at the fertlitly clinic, she held my hand through the entire procedure. The are ordering my Fertility meds right now. So I should be getting a big delivery of fertility meds.. Only 1 more week and its lupron time.. shots in the belly weren't bad.. so its no big deal.

Sebastian is rocking back and forth. He is grabbing at paper and the keyboard.. He slept through the entire night last night. He is eating Meat, vegtables and Fruit.. He loves the fruit. He is getting bored pretty easily now. He likes to get rocked to sleep. which breaks my back cause he is weighing more and more. He is the most beautiful thing Ive ever seen.. I am so amazed every day. He has the biggest smile and he laughs at EVERYTHING.. he is so happy.. Who wouldnt be though... have 2 beautiful women at his beck and call.. :)  He sat with me on Sunday and did homework with me for about 3 hours..   He is want to eat what Im eating.. he goes forward with his mouth open towards my food. Its really funny.. HE LOVES THE OUTDOORS, last night I laid on the trampoline with him and he was just looking around and we were out there over an hour and he was just so content..When he is upset I take him outside and he is miraculously cured.  About 2 weeks ago we went oto a 1 year old birthday party and he was a big as the the one year olds. He is a big boy.  He finally allowed me to put socks and shoes on him 2 weeks ago. I put hm in a johnnie jumer and he had so much fun for about 10 minutes then got bored.

Today, I went back to the fertility clinic for Sebastian a baby brother or sister. I just cant help but be nervous/ excited.  I had bloodwork done, and my estriodial and hormone levels were perfect so we are still ago.  I start Birth control pills on 9/13.
My next appointment is Next Thursday 9/14. It is for my Saline Hystogram. 
Then Monday after  ( 9/28) for a sonogram,,and then off to the races on the hormone meds...

I keep telling myself clara just take it week by week.. and then I wont get so overwhelmed... sigh.... This week was just hectic because of me having the flu last week... so Im playing catch up.

** Sebastina has gratuated to eating meat in a jar.... man.. time flies.. he is amazing.. I am so blessed. :) I love my crazy life.

Sebastian is 6 months. Whoa. I cannot beleive it has been 6 months already.  He is 27 inches long and weighs 20. pounds. The doctor said it was time to get another car seat. and He is wearing size 12 months clothes.. NOT BAD for being 2 months early.. I am such a proud mommy. I could just stare at him for hours and hours. I made Amy take a picture of me holding him last night rocking him to sleep. he looked so peaceful.. i just want to remeber that moment forever.. I just never expected to be so happy .... I would love to give him a little brother or sister.  I just hope dont take away from him being a spoiled brat.. lol... Im just kidding I just want to make sure I have time for them both...  He is so beautiful.

Oh by the way to AF came to visit... and its day 1 and I called the fertility clinic... So its time for the process. I hope I can handle it all.. Ive been so over whelmed lately with school.. but I need to remeber school is over in Decemeber so.. and I will only have 3 classes next semster... then Iwill be graduated.. I decided to not commute to austin I didnt want to be away from Sebastian.. so I will be looking for a job.. maybe.. I will get 6 weeks severence and I could alway get on unemployment.  I gotta get to work. Ill poste again when I find out when my appointment is.

Well, My insurance doesnt cover the ICSI procedure. so I will have to go the traditional route, and hope that my eggs will fertilize on there own.  Only 2 out of 13 fertilized last time so I will hope for better results than than. I think the ICSI procedure cost about 1200.00 more. Not sure if we will be able to afford that right off the bat, but I will have to see. I am going to try really hard to not get so emotional this time around, I have Sebastian and he is perfect, and would be fully blessed to have 1 beautiful baby, as I fought for years for him. I just need to be ok with the fact this ( baby #2) may not happen, as I have alot of underlying issues.  We will see. I need to keep positive.!  postive thought positive thought... no kinks... nothing can get me down.. I am so blessed to have a wonderful life!! I am not lacking so I need to keep positive and not be upset if Baby #2 does work out.. ok i feel better.

Today was my consultation with Dr. Neil.  He said that it was perfect timing to try.. I asked him, but itsn't it too soon. He said no... So I had my annual exam and blood test and everything is go for baby #2.  I just have to wait to start my period in September. Then I start on Birth control and ordering my meds. SO... ding ding ding round 4.  He did mention having to do ICSI this time cause I only had 2 eggs fertilize out of 13 last go round.  I dont know whats covered, I will look up soon. We will have to see what happened as far as that goes. he thinks maybe my eggs are faulty.. Well I guess we will see.. so.... I have about 2 weeks till I start on Birth control.  Till then I am keeping with my gym and eating right.. I need to lose about 20 lbs before baby time again.... Good Luck to ME!!

A collegue of mine was telling how she has met her 100% maximum on her insurance and how she is about to get all her yearly exams done and wont have to pay anything but copays... so  that got me to thinking..

Amy and I were going to start trying for Baby #2 in next March.  (in relation to above comment) I have also met my Annual Maximum. So Amy and I talked and decided to start all the testing and consultations at our IVF clinic. My appointment is Wednesday.  I am not exactly "ready" for another one just yet, but I wanted another about 2 years apart, so whats 6 months early? right? Well, I figure I can get all the testing and Order my prescriptions so I will save a couple of thousand. If all goes right, then possibly it will only be 3 months early. How exciting and scary I am still very emotional about Sebastian.  I never imagined I could love someone so much. I fell like my heart is outside my body. So possibility of baby #2, I will update more inforamtion after my consulation on Wednesday.  So Earliest possible IVF procedure will be End of October, So I may end up with Baby # 2, anywhere from End June to end August.  So Sebastian would be approx a year and a half. Whoa.. How exciting and scary...

Any encouragement anyone has is extremely welcome, please no negativity.  :)

Sebastian is now a whopping 5 months old he weighs about 20 pounds and is growing out of his 6-9 month clothes lengthwise.. he is literally weeks away from getting into 12 month clothes..which i have so many cute 6-9 months Im not ready to give up on that stage yet!! 

He is eating, Green Beans, Carrots, Squash, Peas, and sweet potatoes.  His favorite so far is the green beans. He is also eating fruit too, he loves apples aand bananas and not a fan of peaches.. He grosses out, I made him eat them all anyway.. bad mommy :(. I just thought they may grow on him.. lol.  He is recognizing his name. He will turn when you say his name. He is all smiles in the mring and is fussy at night, I think cause he's tired but doesnt want to miss a thing. lol He is so adorable.

Last night I was playing peek a boo, and I had a blanket and peeked my head from the top and said peepie! and he started lauging then i peek my head from the side.. it wwas so cute cause he was looking up.. from when i just came from... and looked confused when I came out the side.. lol...

I cant wait to pick out halloween costumes. :)

Ok so I weighed myself at the gym amd I weigh 222 pounds of the 222 pounds 100 of that is fat mass... Gross. fat Mass. SO it states I shoudl be about 21-33% body fat.. so I can configure on the high side of 33%. So I need to lose about 60 pounds which i was shooting for 70.. but 60 is a good starting point. I signed up with Golds gym this morning and went.. I did a spinning class and I didnt like it so i will try another class tomorrow and see how that is.  I know why people quit the gym.. everything is just so inconveient. !st off I had to wake up an hour early. and last night I had to take 15 miinutes preparing clothes and such to go. then when I was done working out I had to shower at work witch was also very inconveneint.. Now Im at work and I feel like a booger. I feel unkept cause I was running behind..I have to sacrifice sleep i guess. we see at the end of 2 weeks what my results are.

Ill keep posting.

Clara

Age: 30
Height 5'8"
Current Weight : 230
Target Weight 135.

Ok So I previous have had all my journals pertaining to Baby Making... I am still planning on having another baby but not till the later part of next year. I however did purchase my donor sperm and is currently being stored. My intention is to finish college before I decide on another baby.. but I cant wait too long or it wont happen.. I really want to give Sebastian a little brother or sister, but I fear with fertility that I may end up with Twins or more and I would like to be able to actually afford that if it happened.. so I have been excepted for financial aid and I start school in August and plan to be finishing up by Mayish.. In order to go through the fertility clinic they advi I must be under 200 pounds I would like to try to get to my highschool weight of about 135-150 weight range. 

Weight wise: I started trying Tuesday 7/21, I have merely been eating smallish meals 5 times a day, and cutting out sweets.  I did the Body for life diet years ago and  I am going to do the diet portion I am hoping to get to about 200 with dieting and walking. I hurt my knees all the time and this extra weight is not helping. So I need to lose just a little weight.. then I will get into the gym so I can help get it off faster.  MY goal is to get to 200 and my present will be a gym membership.. OOOHHH I cant wait!! started at 230, and that was my drawing point, that is what I weighed when I was pregnant there is absolutely no excuse other than I frequently overeat.  So its been 3 days and I have so far lost 8 pond. Im down to 222. so 22 more pounds. I decided to not get on the scale but once a week.. so I imagine I will update this about once a week.  So here goes....

Well I am excited to say I was able to save the money for Sebastians Donor sperm. So I will be purchasing 2 vials for 2 more IVF attempts for next year. Providing I dont lose my job I will be going through IVF again at the beggining in 2010.. I also registered for a sibling registry thru California Cryobank. I have found out that Sebastian has 1 half brother in CT and 1 half sister in CA. So exciting. If all goes well Sebastian will be about 1yr and half to 2 years old.  I'd be happy with that. I always wanted 2 babies before I was 32. We'll see if that pans out. I would still be happy with Just sebastian but I thought I'd at least try while I have the insurance to try. 

I also registered for College so next semester I will be attending full time and working full time with a 5 month old. Whoa. I never thought I'd want to go back, but I would like to be a physical therapist and I guess I gotta go.  I just need to finish. Its just for an associates but it'd be a start. If I am able to conceive again, I will go back for my Bachelors at that time. I pretty much have my 5 year plan laid out unfortunatley I'll be 35 by then but hopefully have my shit halfway together. 

Well I guess Im gonna need a lot of luck with all this so Im gonna start Praying and we'll see how it all pans out!! Stay Tuned.

Update on my little precious Sebastian. He is almost 4 months. He is in love with his Fisher Price Rainforest playmat. It makes music and lights up. He love it.. and I love to see him smile.  Here is an updatedSebastian and Mommy. Sebastian and Aunt Mimi
3 month picture. He is so cute. I am so in love. He is with my Aunt. He was sleepin so good. I havent gotten his 4 month pictures downloaded yet. So..Ill update when I get them finished.

The cryobank called me and Sebastians donor is available again. On July 15th I will be able to purchase 2 vials. I called my insurance company and they said I have about 2 more tries for IVF. Im excited Sebastian has the possibility of having a little brother or sister. I am very happy about it.  I will purchase it and try again in a year or so. I would like Sebastian to be at least 2 years old before getting pregnant again.  I have about 52 hours of school already completed from after high school, So i have decided before I have another try at a another baby I would like to get a few things accomplished.
1. I would like at least an Associates degree.
2. I would like to get to about 180 pounds.
3. I would like to move into a bigger house.
4. I would like to pay off Sebastians medical bills.
The 1st 2 are a must, the other 2 are negotiable. I am excited for him to have a full blood related sibling though. Im so thankful I started this blog so I can go back when I go through IVF again and have an idea of what I went through once before.
So I have applied for financial aid and applied to college and we will see hopefully I get accepted and I hope I get aide. I will not be able to go if I dont qualify. :(

Sebastian is a beautiful 3 months old now. He is a really big boy. He is about 13-14 pounds now and he is about 23 inched long. He is wearing 3-6 months. So he has caught up in size.  He is beautiful; He looks a lot like my family.  He is developmentally a little behind. He occasionally coos, but when he does it seems to scare him. He still get startled pretty easily. and his eye sight is getting better but not really. It is because he is a preemie. I need to remember that and stop comparing.  

I feel happy with my current goals.

Well, I just cant explain how I have been feeling, but I am gonna make an attempt to figure out what going on with my head.  It may be postpartum depression however, Sebastian is 10 weeks old so I am pretty sure its too late to have postpartum.  This is how I feel. I feel anxious on the outside..like I want to organize everything in my house. I feel jealous of Amy cause she gets to be home with Sebastian, MY BABY.. and I have to be at work working out my emotions... I feel like I have a lot of energy, but nervous energy. Liek I want to clean and work and shop, and thats the best I can explain that. On the inside I feel unpleased with myself as far as I am weak. My muscles are so weak, I can barely pick up Sebastian in his carseat.  I feel semi depressed, maybe due to my weight, or the fact I still have my braces on and I didnt expect too. maybe cause I just turned 30 a week ago.  It could be sebastian only sleeps for 2 hours during the night and Amy and I both arnt getting any sleep. I just figure myself out..All I know is it all seems pointless. Sebastian is the most beautiful baby I am so blessed to be able to have him, I just wish I could give him my whole self, the self I was before I had him. I feel like an emotional wreck.  So I am going to try and get my shittogether..First of all I would like to lose some weight and get stronger. Stronger is the first thing, I would like to not be weak. I will have to lose weight too, I tried to get up from a sitting position with Sebastian and I could not. I want to enjoy my time with him, I was to be healthy and eat right so that I can guarantee I will good when he needs me for what ever the occasion arises.  So from this point on I want to try and gert my act together. There is no excuse there are 80 year old women runnig down my sdtreet at 5 am in the morning/// If they can do so can i...SO here it goes I am 5'8 and I weight 222 pounds.. and that is just not healthy for me.  I must do somthing. Please if any one has an suggests by all means critisize away. 

Sebastian is 8 weeks old, he has been home a month and is about 10 pounds already. He is 20 inches long.  I have to go back to work on May 11th. I am excited but I am not. I enjoy hacving Sebastian all to myself all the time. However his is still not sleepong through the night. He sleep about 3 hours instead of every 2. So its getting better. I will post some new pictures. I havent written in a while. Mothering take alot ALOT of energy.  SO he is beautiful and I love looking at him all the time I am in sheer utter amazment that I created such a wonderful baby.  I am so proud.  I cant help but cry when I imagine that this stage will be gone before I know it. . Im so in love.   He has his 8 week doctor appointment tomorrow. I am still trying to breast pump.  I am giving him about 1/2 formula and 1/2 breastmilk.  Which is constipating him.  Damn formula.  He is lifting hs head pretty good.  Ok here are some up to date pictures. I will start updating alot more often now. 

Just updating really quick.  My water broke on Sunday, March 1st. The day after my Sister threw me a baby shower. They told me cause I was only 31 weeks along I needed to try and hold him in. I took the steroid for his lungs and was able to keep him in for a week I was in the hopsital that week. On sunday March 8th, Sebastian Paul was born at 4:26. He was born vaginally and labor went very smoothly.  He has been in the NICU since then. He was born at 4 pounds 5 oz. 18 1/4 inches long.  In 2 weeks he is now  4 pounds 10 oz. He is very healthy and we are just waiting for him to grow and to learn how to eat. I am very much in love with him.  So without further ado...
Welcoming Sebastian Paul.