A Toast to Life, Motherhood and Health.

Therapy
lovely5879
Had my therapy appointment with Caren today. I originally went into talk about myself, and of course all that blabs out of my mouth is Amy. Geeez.. what is wrong with me. I need to focus on getting myself stronger, and focus on what I actually like and dislike and why I feel sick to my stomch with nerve all the time. I think its ironic that I told her that when I am thinking about "things" that Amy calls and askes wht I am thinking about or what I am doing or how I am feeling.. Well today after therapy I called to ask A to transfer money to my account and She said.. i ordered a book to help with PTSD and anxiety and stress. --Insane.. when I am about to let go she does/says something to make me think things could change for the better to actually work things out. So I talked to caren about how i feel like i just want to move away, away from my family, my few friends I have and my relationship. Just me an my kids away, where i want to go, where I have control. She compared me to a ship that is being slapped in the side where everyone else is controlling the ship. I told her i feel like i have no captain. She also said it may not be a bad idea. I really hate that i do feel this way.

How to get myself back to good.

--journal eveyday good or bad or mindless or whatever.
--got to the gym 1 time a week and Zumba 1 time a week.
--eat cleaner and less

Everyting is better with Coffee
lovely5879
Running late, why must I always run late? I need to get up earlier, but Kate was up at 445 so I was SLEEEEEPY. However everyday is a good day with a Kuerig coffee maker.Man that things is fast! Today is the day that I decide to accomplish 1-2 activities for work. I scheduled the conference room for WW, and sent out the daily invite so that 2 things but unfortunately that isnt for work. LOL. stay positive. no negative self talk. PS. I actually have been doing great not sayng anything bad about myself. I think its starting to work. I been putting on the clothes that I know fit, eating only when i am hungry and not blown meals. It seems to be working.

Can I get some motivation?
lovely5879
Tuesday, was a pretty good day other than the stress from the night before. I came to work, although I didnt feel very accomplish like didnt seem sot get much done although I worked all day. I have to start setting daily goals and not leave until i get those 1-2 goals accomplished. I came to work like every other day. Work was fine. I got home and Amy asked me to go to the grocery store, so i went and took my sweet time. I bought healthy things that I can eat. When I got home I made dinner for myself and the kids. played with them, and grandma came to the door with my BRAND NEW KEURIG!!!!! Oh Happy Day I love Coffee and how nice to start my day with Coffee that is perfect each and every time AND brews in 2 minutes! Doesnt get much better than that. I was also appointed the new Weight Watchers representative and I think that will be the motivation I need to keep on doing well, If I feel that I am representing an entire group and people keep joining becuase others get results.. then I must do well too! I found out my girl crush is single again.. Man that makes it tempting to get out of my life and try something different. I dont know that may just be a momentary lapse of insanity. Man shes HOT!
Amy stayed outside the majority of the night, coming in cause Sebastain came to get her twice. once to let her know he went potty and once to let her know about Grandma. It was a fine night, Amy just acts like nothing happened the night before. Its pretty frustrating. I hate not ever coming to a resolution on things. Shes probably knows I am going to leave and Is just riding it out. When we went to bed she was trying to tickle me and mess around It was fine. i just laughed and giggled and told her i was tired.... so that was it, pretty uneventful.

A new positive evening
lovely5879

I came home and cooked dinner cause for some reason since her dad moved in dinner isn't cooked. She didn't do dishes, I didn't see any artwork done.. What did she so all day?! So anyway after dinner I asked Seby If he wanted to go to the park.. Well the park then turned into grmdma dees for swimming which is fine but it was getting late and I've been trying to get Kate asleep by 8.830. While we we were swimming I mentioned how Seby tells everyone he has 2 moms and how cactus at that age knew to not say he has 2 moms..because it may cause attentions.. And she literally started saying Why are you getting at?? What are you trying to say? I literally felt attacked.. Like I had to defend something I was saying when I was just stating the differences between children.. I really hate that we are about to get into a confrontation feeling.. Ugh.so I told her I was just stating.. And I dropped it..
we left and she wanted to go to heb so I got her to drop me off, I got Kate to sleep without a bottle might I add!! Go Katie!! She is doing great! How can I stay positive in this environment!


a new POSITIVE ME!
lovely5879
It's a new day. I was thinking about how my negativity /negative self talk to my friends could negatively impact my relationships. I have lost alot of friends due to this.. Amy's insecurities and shit. I can name a bunch of friends that were BFF material and now are barely facebook acquaintences. Lori, Yvonne, Michele, Maggi, Amanda, Collette, Paul, Melinda and that is all within the last 2-3 years. I'm sure there are more! I used to think it was cause I had babies and most of them don't but I am seeing differently now. So I am going to try to keep my internal self talk to a minimum (most may be subconsciously) and to None outloud. I would hate for my babies to hear me. I dont want them to end up with self esteem issues.
Last week on Wednesday 8/6 I made a note in my paper journal and it was all very negative today I concentrated on being positive. - sweet, loving, good mom, great skin, great teeth, beautiful eyes, legs that go on forever and great hair.

Amy called me upset about Bonnie again, she keeps losing kids, and people in her life when is she going to realize its her attitude that are causing people to get frustrated. She thinks my family dont like her... They like her, they just dont like her with me. I always thought things would be differnt. Its my job to turn my life around, I am starting with myself!! NOW!

I came home and cooked dinner cause for some reason since her dad moved in dinner isn't cooked. She didn't do dishes, I didn't see any artwork done.. What did she so all day?! So anyway after dinner I asked Seby If he wanted to go to the park.. Well the park then turned into grmdma dees for swimming which is fine but it was getting late and I've been trying to get Kate asleep by 8.830. While we we were swimming I mentioned how Seby tells everyone he has 2 moms and how cactus at that age knew to not say he has 2 moms..because it may cause attentions.. And she literally started saying Why are you getting at?? What are you trying to say? I literally felt attacked.. Like I had to defend something I was saying when I was just stating the differences between children.. I really hate that we are about to get into a confrontation feeling.. Ugh.so I told her I was just stating.. And I dropped it..
we left and she wanted to go to heb so I got her to drop me off, I got Kate to sleep without a bottle might I add!! Go Katie!! She is doing great! How can I stay positive in this environment!

Mary's WEDDING: Cake Day 2
lovely5879
Woke up to get started on The wedding Cake. I did the cupcakes first and the colors of the icing were amazing, and the Chocolate L's looked great too. I got them all set up and the wedding cake and grooms cake smoothed and ready to decorate. the Wedding cake was EASY!.So the night before I dreamt the Grooms cake and it turned out amazing. I was so proud of myself. I cant beleieve I was actually creative again and was able to show my vision. With Pinterest and such my creativity has been lacking, I usually just get my ideas from there. Sad I know. Ede and I went to lunch today and she help me get the cake delivered how nice to have her help. I finished decorating about 2, and got dressed by about 330. I think this is pretty excellent time cause sebastain got stung by a bee and I had some other little things I forgot at the house so I had to go back and forth.. But I made alist so I didnt forget anything when delivering to the wedding. Ede and I were able to get the cake into the Acocado cafe before it rained. God Loves me. WOW! perfect timing! The cake looks AMAZING! the wedding was so hot and humid, but it was beautiful. I am so happy she is happy. Zack is wonderful, or seems to be. The reception was nice the food was good. Amy started texting me to hurry up, asking IF I was going to come home. So I get home at 10pm. She was sleeping (She never is alseep by 10 NEVER!) and all the kids were asleep and her sisters kids were there too! She was mad that I was gone so late and I didnt tekll her thank you ofoe watching the kids. (She was asleep- I didnt even get to talk to her, really). I laid down to go to sleep and I was just wound up cause I really wasnt ready to come home.. so i sat on the recliner and Amy came in ther and slapped my phone out of my hand.. and started yelling at me.. I really need to leaveher. I even asked if I could let my mom watch them so she could have a break and of course she said NO.. in my opinion if you say NO you are not intitled to complain. So anyway by the end of the night she was acting like nothing happened (Like always) and wanted to see pictured. which i had already asked her if she wanted to see them.

So so sick of her manipulative mind fucking. I really was apprecaitive of her watching the kids, this was my SISTERS WEDDING! She made me leave early.. Give me a fucking break!

Oh what a night....
lovely5879
Cheese and rice! Err! So tryng to stay on a positive note and man is it hard when Negativity surrounds me. Last night was Katelyns first night without a bottle, she went to bed at 9 and woke up really upset at 12. I couldnt find the bottle so I assumed that Amy threw it away. So I tried consoling her all the ways I could, well about 40 minutes later Amy wakes up and starts talking about how when she does wake up it does get posted on facebook that shes helping and that she's just saying all the comments on facebook. Then she brings up the Sebastain saying he has 2 moms and what I said about Cactus having a God mother.. and she got all bent about that.. then she starts talking about how i talk but I never say anything.. I told her I wanted to punch her in her face that i was so sick of her mouth moving.and her twisting everything. I was so angry I coudlnt sleep.// She kept saying oh yea and its all my fault. Its my faulth that sebastain doesnt sleep well, its all my fault that kate wont wean off the bottle.. truly I am just tired of her face, her mouth, her lies and manipulation. She lies to her sisters straight to their faces all the time. Last night she told me that I ignore my children and am on the phone all night. I have been making an effort to only get on the phone if they are preoccupied with something else. It hurt my feelings cause since August 1st I have been giving them baths, brushing their teeth, making dinner, and geting them to bed ontime. Making sure there school stuff I ready to go. I cant wait to see my counselour.

Well I am at work now I am safe from the negativity. I now just need to get my kids away from it. Im going to try and make today a positive day!.

Sunday.. Funday? NOT!
lovely5879
So sunday is supposed to be my Day off. No kids, except my own. To clean, relax, have fun, shop.. what ever my little heart desires. Well Amy decided to get emotional about a text her sister wrote her. When she did she decided to stay in the shed and watch TV with her father all day. So instead of being able to relax with my kids and go do whatever I wanted I stayed indoors with mine and the other Daycare kids and cleaned. Absolutely NO relaxing was accomplished. Lauraleigh was supposed to pick her kids up at 5, she didnt arrive till 7. I was stuck ALL DAY not getting the stuff I wanted done, done. ERRrr! How frustrating!
after they were picked up, I fed the kids, bathe them and put them to bed by 9-930. Which is great, but Amy came in Complaining that she needed to spend some time with Cactus. (UM.. news flash you could have spent the entire day with him instead of outside watching TV with your father). So at 900 She went in with cactus and didnt come out till 1100. PS- She never goes to bed at 10:00. Which just proves to me that she was trying to manipulate me and control me with the wedding shit.

I should add after the babies went to sleep I watched Dispicable Me AND took a long shower! Fantastic! I can really get used there early bedtimes :) Whoo hooo!

Wedding Cake Day 1
lovely5879
I didnt go to sleep until about 3am again cause I just cant get comfortable. Ugh. I woke up and went to my moms so she can help me get to baking. My back still hurt so I needed all the help I could get. I baked the cupcakes and the cakes, and made the icing. I cannot beleive doing just that took 7 hours. My Lord! I always went to the grocery store but I was back by 10 baking already. Amy hardly bothered me at all. I was home by 4 helping with the kids even though my back still hurt. Still doing great with getting the kids to bed on time. I have to keep this up! Saturday is the wedding day and have tons to do But myback hurt so I called it a day at 4.

Pinched nerve..OUCH
lovely5879
Thursday, August 8th I woke up at 245am with a pinched nerve in my back and ended up taking the day off cause my back hurt so badly. Amy was great. She went and gave me Ibruprofen and Icy Hot so I wouldnt be in so much pain. I slept a mojority of the day becuase I hardly got sleep the night before. I had to make the cake for Mary's wedding. I really need to get better at writing in my journal daily as I forget most everything that happens within the next day.

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